I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
