Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I would fuck him just for his dog
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize