I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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