how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize