i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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