what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
