he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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