A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize