From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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