Sry I called you an 8
we have pet lesbian snakes
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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