Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
