chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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