man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
