I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
