I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize