my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
