I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Randomize
