I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
