you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
