Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
