My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
