Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
