Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
