I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
