I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
