we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
