So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
