so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
