guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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