I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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