Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
