I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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