sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
