I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Vodka?
Forever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
