recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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