in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have aggressive nipples.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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