did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
