just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
