just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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