i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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