did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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