I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
