Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
