Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
They are going to name an STD after you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
