i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
