How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
