the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize