I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
