watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize