He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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