I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
