dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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