dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
