it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
