I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
These tits shall not be calmed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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