Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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