you didnt know i had herpes?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
