You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
