it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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