can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
