awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
