peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
