you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
