She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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