why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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