I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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