Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
